Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Oil Baron

So I decided to add "Oil Baron" to my personal resume and open my own gas station. But this gas station would not be like any other sir, oh no no, this one would be built to help support my community because that's how I roll son. My idea is to have a co-op gas station that would charge the "ACTUAL" price that gas costs companies buying it from a refinery and charge a monthly fee to use the station. You would get a membership card that was assigned to each car and the pump would not activate without the card being swiped and the attendant approving that the car matches what the computer in the booth says the card is tied to. With this station you would get gas at like $1.25 a gallon and all you would have to do is pay a monthly membership fee of $50 and work one 8 hour shift at the station per month.

After polling a few friends I soon discovered I associate myself with a bunch of lazy bums who were severely turned off by the idea of doing any actual work. So I changed it to only be open during the day and now I have to build some sort of super barbwire covered electrified evil fence of protection and doom to keep the riff-raff out at night.

Doing the math (with my made up assumed gas price) to make it beneficial to spend the monthly fee you would need to use at least 30 gallons of gas per month. To make it financially beneficial for me to leave my job at least 70 people would need to be members. That's not too crazy! I'm sure there are at least 70 people around here that use more than 30 gallons of gas per month, I know I do.

So I diligently went to work researching the probability of me doing this and I stumbled across an interesting little factoid. At MOST gas stations only make 10-20 cents per gallon of gas and that doesn't include the fees banks charge for using credit and debit cards. Since I would be a no cash business this would mean at the best of times I would be at the 10 cents saved by using my gas station (that's even if I can keep up with the QT's and Shell's that have more buying power than I do). Doing that math I would need over 70 people using over 500 gallons of gas per month (or about 10,000 miles with an 20 mile per gallon car).

Thus my short lived dreams of becoming an Oil Baron and Community Hero are dashed against the rocks of reality. Unless someone knows 70 people who drive over 10,000 miles per month? It's only like 13-14 miles every hour of the month, that can't be too hard to find, right?

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Bicycle Engineering Elf

-Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas!
-or not...
-whatever jerk!

This year I was able to check off the next milestone in fatherhood and put together the infamous Christmas Eve bike. Yes, we got my oldest daughter a slick new chopper complete with training wheels, pegs, and a punk rock paint job (insert screaming guitar wankery here).


And holy crap did her eye's pop out of their cranial sockets coming down the stairs Christmas morning. She couldn't wait to take her new hog out on the road.

I of course did what every responsible father would do and put her in the middle of the street on her bike, in her owl P.J.'s, with absolutely no safety gear (she's a kid and kids are indestructible, right?).

She pressed down on those pedals as hard as she could, got those wheels spinning, and went...absolutely nowhere. Fad Dail. Dad Fail. Dail? Fad? I'll go with Fad! It makes me look hip and ahead of the curve:
-"So Tony, your daughter's bike didn't go anywhere but just turned the back wheel like some sort of junior spinning class and all because you put it together wrong?"
-"Shut your face hole it's a new Fad!"

In my embarrassment I again did what every responsible and trustworthy adult would do, blamed Santa's elves of course! I mean they are the ones who put it together, right? *wink wink*
-"Don't worry Rory, I guess Santa's elves didn't make it right but daddy can fix it for you!"
Wad Din. Dad Win. Wad? Din? I'll just stick with WIN on this one.

Moral of the story:
Parents who feel like Santa gets all the praise, love, and adoration from their kids; just let him take all the heat for a failed gift, fix your own dumb-ass mistake, and come out of it the Christmas Hero!

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

The Pursuit of Awesomeness!

Who is this guy Tony and why is he so awesome? What's with the "Mc", is he Scottish or a fast food mogul? Who are you that is so wise in the ways of science?

Hold your horses DUDE! I have an answer and that answer is...I don't know. Wha? That's right, I DON'T KNOW!!! Who does though? Who really has a complete grasp on everything that defines who they are and why they do the things they do? We are constantly changing and growing as a person (or people group) and I think that is what makes humanity such an incredible creation. So I have started this blog to say what I want, and be what I want, and to define myself and who I am through life and life experiences. So read, watch, point, laugh, or go take a hike (literally, I like hiking, or figuratively, I don't like you [but I do, but I don't, but I DO!!!]) but this is what it is and I am who am am and you do what you do and keep on keep'n on and vice versa and on again off again and same ol' same ol' and so on and so forth and holy cow and holy hole in doughnuts Batman and OH BTW...